I left my biofeedback therapy sessions with a quiver in my voice and easily accessible tear in my eye. It was the day of a new moon in Pisces (a time astrologically that has a quality of merging the spiritual with the material—Pisces—at this time of rebirth—new moon). I had learned that I was being very unkind to myself, self-creating a space of exhaustion and disconnect because of my self-judgement.
Can one really love if they don’t have self-love? Short answer—no. The opposite of love isn’t always hate—it can just be this sense of judgement, angst, and disconnect. I really think this world is struggling with just that, and I’m no stranger to it.
The last couple of months I’ve been working deeply with manifestation and prosperity, but I could tell that my journey went from a lightness to a darkness, as I was using my mind rather than my heart, and as I was practicing self-judgement rather than self-love.
I have a 2.5 year old son, who I adore. He’s this energetic, spirited boy who loves to figure things out, loves jumping from high places, is an amazing climber, and doesn’t like when his hands are dirty. During this time of exhaustion, I was reasoning that being a parent is exhausting. But honestly, it was the self-judgement I was practicing in my life that was exhausting, and not allowing me to fully love myself or my loved ones.
This reality was what was specifically bringing tears to my eyes after my therapy session.
This New Moon I made a very valuable intention. Practice self-love. Keep a mindful eye when I lean into self-judgment—not to judge self-judgment, because two wrongs don’t make a right (thanks mom), but to observe when this tendency shows itself and mindfully respond with self-love. This morning in yoga I was in a heart bench and I could literally feel my muscles go to mush as I relaxed in a way I hadn’t in a very long time—it felt amazing!
The practice of gratitude is so strong that it can literally disempower self-judgement. As self-judgement is such a strong tendency for me, I have opened up a new little journal my boyfriend gave me a couple of months ago (which has an adorable Gemini sign on it), and it will hold my daily gratitudes. 5 things I am grateful for each day. After I am writing down the five things I am practicing a brief meditation where I really feel the gratitude in my heart (because I can actually do gratitude exercises with my mind—ah, the Gemini way), but feeling them in my heart literally brings a warmth to my chest—a physical expression of self-love.
I also intend on repeating my manifestation work but this time, using my heart rather than my head. Stay tuned for that journey in a future post.
How was your new moon in Pisces? Did you learn anything intimately about yourself? Did you create any intentions for the upcoming moon cycle?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.